Father’s Day
He’d say “I’m gonna be like you dad
You know I’m gonna be like you”
– Harry Chapin: Cat’s in the Cradle
So having that quote to start seems a bit odd, as it’s from a song about a dad that is so busy with his job and trying to keep his head above water that he doesn’t have time for his son. I most certainly didnt have that experience, as my dad went out of his way to spend time with my brother and me. But I think it’s appropriate because over the last 20 years I’ve told anyone who will listen that if I can be half of the man my dad is, my life would be a screaming success.
As Father’s Day is approaching, this led me to start reflecting on why I have this visceral understanding that my dad is my role model. Part of that likely is normal and biological that sons often look up to the most important male figure in their lives, and dads are often that person. Part of it likely is the amount of love he has for me and how that makes me feel safe in the world. But the more I reflect on it, the more I realize that those are factors that come from the fact that he is an amazing human being. And at the end of the day, that’s why I will always believe that living my own life in my own way, but following his example would be what leads to a fulfilling and successful life.
There are no shortage of ways in which I think my dad is amazing, but there are three in particular that jump to mind. His personality, his values, and the importance of family and friends. In terms of his personality, he is most often referred to as charming. That can mean a lot of different things to lots of different people, including the charming psychopath. I mean it in the most positive sense in that he can authentically connect with people because of his interest in others, his empathy, and his extroverted nature. He gets along with just about everyone and has a wide range of friends that span disparate backgrounds across democrats, republicans, hunters, vegetarians, wealthy, not-so-wealthy and an entire spectrum inbetween. In addition to his interest in others, he’s a wonderful storyteller. And although his stories are entertaining, the way he is willing to share personal stories that often include his missteps and mistakes is another way he’s willing to be open and vulnerable that makes him so approachable and likable.
With a description like that it’s fair to assume that he’s often the life of the party, which I would argue is largely true. But aside from having a charming personality, I think his values are another factor that I deeply admire and try to live my life by. There are a few examples of this that really stick with me, namely empathy and equality. I alluded to his empathetic personality above, but one of the pieces of advice he has given me multiple times really brings this home for me. Namely, you can’t walk in other people’s shoes. As a result of this, you shouldn’t jump to snap judgements about people, as you haven’t lived their lives. The classic example of this is the couple who go on a cruise ship that then sinks. As they rush to get into the lifeboats, there’s only one spot left, and the man jumps in, leaving the women to perish with the ship. The initial reaction is to think he wasn’t chivalrous or loved his wife, but if the story plays out that the wife had a terminal illness and they had a child that still needed a parent, it seems far different. I take away from his sense of empathy that you really can’t understand people unless you can get deep into their experiences and values, which is often difficult to do. And as the world is complicated and not always easy, being empathetic is key to navigating the human experience where people with the best of intentions can make mistakes that can lead to misperception or misunderstanding. If we as people could all live a more empathic life in this way, I believe that would help us to better understand and deal with unconscious bias and judgements that we all make every day that contribute to the structural and institutional inequalities that are pervasive in society today.
On the subject of inequality, that gets to another value of my dad that has signifiacnty influenced me: namely equality. One example I can think of is his role within the Denver Country Club when he was elected club president in the late 1980s. It might seem odd to think of a country club as an example of equity when they are typically known for exclusivity and homogeneity. Certainly as it relates to ethinc and racial diversity, and often religious diversity, most country clubs have been more of the problem than the solution. But as you’ll see, golf has been a key part of my dad’s life from when he was young so this also ties into a broader theme. As it relates to equity, what I found compelling is that my dad’s definition of success while he was president would be to rewrite the bylaws. His main objective was to remove gender language from the bylaws. As it stood, all of the rules referred to men with the assumption that referred to members as they were synonomous. So only men could play golf on weekends (the most popular times) before noon. If a woman was the member and her family was benefitting from family privileges, this meant that her husband could play before noon, but she could not, even though she was the official member. Leveraging his charming personality and highly refined diplomatic skills, he was successful in convincing the rest of the board to make these changes, so that all of the gender language was removed and women members were able to have the same rights as male members. I know there were generational differences within the membership, with older more ‘traditional’ members preferring a ‘Leave it to Beaver’ type of family where women were homemakers and men had all the professional and financial power. So although it seems obvious today, in the 1980s support for this kind of change this wasn’t a given, especially in a country club setting. There was not racial or religious language in the bylaws, but I have no doubt if there was 1) he wouldn’t have joined that club in the first place and 2) he would have worked to get that removed the same way he saw gender inequality as a fundamental problem that needed to be changed.
Another reason I think that the example above makes more sense is knowing my dad’s history. He grew up in a traditional middle class family in Chicago. His dad worked as a salesman for a cardboard company, and they started off in a small apartment in Chicago where he and his brother had to not just share a room, but they shared a Murphy bed to sleep in until he was a teenager. At that point, they moved into a modest house in Skokie where he could have his own bed. When he was 12, he went to get a job as a caddie at the Glenview Golf Club, and he continued to caddie to make money over the next decade all the way through college and law school. He has often said that the ability to see these powerful members – the CEOs of some of the largest corporations in Chicago – get frustrated and emotional while playing a game took away much of the mystique of powerful business people. As he put it, “they put their pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.” He has also said that spending 4 or 5 hours with an adult that isn’t your parent that would always love you was a great learning experience about how to relate to and treat people. So having worked as an employee at a country club, I believe that shaped his view of how he could influence and improve it once he was fortunate enough to become a member. It certainly explains why he made it a point to know the names of the employees so he could say hello using their first name and treat them with respect.
Another example of his focus on equality is his devotion to the Evans Scholars program. This is one of, if not the largest, private scholarship program in the country, providing full tuition and housing scholarships for need-based caddies with strong academic performance. I have no doubt that my dad, growing up in comfortable but modest suroundigns can appreciate the opportunity that hard work and access to education afforded him to improve his own life. I would imagine he had fellow caddies that may not have been able to attend college that would have similarly benefitted. He was invited to join the board of the Evans Scholars Foundation, which oversees the Evans Scholarship program, and he eventually became chair of the board. One of his perspectives he’s often shared with me is that if you don’t have a vision and goal, that you don’t have anything to focus on building. So when he became chair, he suggested setting a goal of increasing the number of scholarships to 1,000 per year by 2020 from roughly 870 in 2014. With the rising cost of college, that’s no easy task for raising the additional resources. But they were able to do that and over 1,000 Evans Scholars are now enrolled at some of the leading Universisites, including Northwestern, Notre Dame, University of Ilinois, University of Washington and roughly a dozen others.
Beyond my dad’s personality and values of empathy and equality, the importance of friends and family is another part of my dad that resonates deeply with me. His love for my mom and my brother and me is one of the clearest examples. I certainly have experienced that my whole life and it’s obvious to me. A part of that was words, but it always showed with actions. Given his history of caddying, he’s always had a passion for golf. He didn’t play much when I was young, as he had to work 6 or sometimes 7 days/week to establish himself early in his career to provide for the family. He talks about wanting to be around more when we were really little, but it did give him the flexibility to start his own business and have more flexibility later in life. But he still made sure to be home for dinner and spent time with my brother and me on the weekends.
When I was 11, he started to play more golf again, and that’s when he introduced me to the game. I started playing, as much to spend time with my dad as the fact that I really enjoyed it. And through that we found a great way to connect and find shared experiences. I have incredibly fond memories of my dad calling me at 4PM on a September afternoon to ask if I was swamped with homework or we could head out for an ‘emergency 9’. The golf was undoubtedly fun, but being with my dad and often my brother was what really sticks with me, as I can vividly remember seeing their faces and us walking down the course with bags over our shoulers, but I can’t recall any specific golf shot I made during that time. He has also been extremely helpful to me professionally. Given his own busines success, he has a tremendous network of people to draw from. He has been proactive in thinking through how he can make introduction or be helpful to me, even before I ask or have the idea.
His friendships are also central to his life. The number of people I’ve met who sing my dad’s praises is mind boggling to me. I understand that people rarely would say something negative about someone else’s dad, and they often might be polite, but the enthusiasm and breath of admiration for my dad is what has always impressed me. And it’s not just the breadth of people he knows, as there are several groups of very close friends that he clearly priortizes. There are long time family frends that I’ve known my whole life, who my dad still makes a point to see every few weeks. Most of these folks are fellow lawyers who were working to establish themselves at the same time as my dad in the 70s and 80s and they all had very intense experiences together through that time. There are also his best friends from law school. 50 years after graduation, they still find one weekend a year to get together and catch up, look after each other and have fun. This last bit likely sounds like motherhood and apple pie, as it largely is. Many people have family and friends as what is most important to them, but not always. So the priority my dad has for family and friends is not at all lost on me, and I make it a priority to see close friends from growting up, college and business school.
I find there are no shortage of ways in which I find my dad amazing. And although I’ve chosen to link much of that to a golfing theme, there are so many other ways I find him amazing (he’s also responsible for my interest in basketball, business and the Chicago Cubs to name a few other influences). So I will continue to say and firmly believe that if I can be half the man my dad is, my life will be a huge success. With that, I hope you are able to spend time with your own amazing dads, grandfathers, brothers, and other family this Father’s Day.